Wednesday, 23 July 2014

be inspired by your own existence

I'm not one to blog - or just write in general - when I'm feeling angry or upset. Right now, I'm more upset than angry and I'm not sure how to feel about that or how to change that.

Let me fill you in a bit more first.

The last couple of weeks have most certainly not been the best. I don't mean to complain or ask for your pity, I just want to get things off of my chest.

Turning 18 and graduating high school was a great thing, but also such a very confusing time. I never knew what I wanted to do when I grew up. Well, I did, but I was always told that that would never happen and that I should be smart and do what was expected of me.

And so I did. I went to university to study arts and literature. This wasn't the major that was hoped for, but my parents settled because "I was at least going to uni".

A couple of months in I knew that university wasn't for me. But instead of quitting I changed my major after the first year. Maybe hoping that communications and media would be more suitable for me.

And that it was. But it still didn't feel completely right.

Fast forward the year and here we are now. A couple of resits, more than I hoped for, but manageable and pretty alright considering it's not what I want to do.

But what do I want to do then, you may ask. Well frankly, I have no clue anymore.

I feel like I lost sight of what I want in doing the things that were expected of me, I never got to explore more of the things that I liked.

I feel like I've become too scared to go after the things that (might) make me happy.

And that sucks.

Because I feel trapped.

And useless.

And it doesn't really help that my mom called me a disappointment and an embarrassment either.

Because after two years of doing something that makes you unhappy you just want people to support you. You need people to support you. Or at least those close to you.

Don't get me wrong, I am extremely, hugely grateful that I got the opportunity to go to university, because I know a lot of people don't get that chance, but if I know it's not for me, is it so wrong to want something different? Does that make me ungrateful?

Right now, I don't know what to do.

I could stay in uni, get a degree and possibly get a job with that.

Or I could leave uni, get a job and make money whilst I figure out what it is that I really want to do with my life.

The first one seems like the easy option, the latter seems so scary.

Every time I read a quote on how we only get this one life and it's too short not to go after what we want I get inspired. But oh, if only I just knew!

All I want is to be happy and healthy. Simples.

I don't want to come home to an empty flat, all stressed out by a job I don't even like.

And I do know that I'm oh so young and have got plenty of time to figure things out, I just don't want to be unhappy in the process.

"Feel inspired by your own existence."


  1. You poor thing. If uni isn't making you happy then don't stay on... your option 2 sounds better - get a job (any job that you kind of enjoy) and you have plenty of time to figure out what you "really" want to do. What are your passions, what makes you smile (writing, animals, photography, cooking etc?) I went to uni for 4 years, then decided I didn't want to work as what I qualified as.... If I had my time again I wouldn't bother going in the first place - I just felt it was expected of me! Good luck, keep us updated x

    1. Thank you! I understand what you mean, the only thing making it bearable are my friends! I just wish I was brave enough :( xx

  2. I agree with Nic 100%. It's so very hard to find the clarity to figure out what you really do want when you're busy doing something you feel obliged to finish. I know it sounds naff and twee and a little patronising maybe (sorry if so!) but you only get one shot really and that's just too little to spend anymore time than is absolutely necessary doing something you don't want to. And for practical advice I did my degree when it wasn't exorbitant to do so but if I had to choose again now? I'd ditch it in a heartbeat and have trained in something completely different...the thing I've just embarked on a career in now in fact. Follow your heart, your head is smart enough to catch up when it needs to.
    And of course huge virtual hugs to you!
    M x

    1. Thank you so much for sharing! I do know what the right thing to do is, but am so so scared.. I am doing some research and am exploring other options :) xx

  3. You know what? It's ok to be scared. We are all scared when we make big changes. So embrace it. Be scared, and then.... just do it anyway. If that's where your heart is. Degree's are incredibly expensive these days, and if you're not getting anything out of it, then it's a waste of time and money. I loved both my degrees but I'm in a load of debt because of them, and frankly they haven't helped my career one bit. I am where I am today because I stuck to what I loved doing and the opportunities came from it.
    As for your parents .... well, like I always say ... can't live with them, not allowed to kill 'em! ;-) No, seriously, parents will always say what they think is best for you, but only you know the truth. The amount of times I've ignored my parents and chosen a different path? And in the end, I don't regret the choices I made because they were my choices.

    So, do your research, ask around and trust your instincts.

    1. You are one brave lady, Elizabeth. Living the unconventional life despite what's expected, because that's what your heart tells you to do is something that I admire in people! This is all great advice and I'll definitely keep it in the back of my mind when making big decisions. Thank-you!! :) xx