be inspired by your own existence

I'm not one to blog - or just write in general - when I'm feeling angry or upset. Right now, I'm more upset than angry and I'm not sure how to feel about that or how to change that.

Let me fill you in a bit more first.

The last couple of weeks have most certainly not been the best. I don't mean to complain or ask for your pity, I just want to get things off of my chest.

Turning 18 and graduating high school was a great thing, but also such a very confusing time. I never knew what I wanted to do when I grew up. Well, I did, but I was always told that that would never happen and that I should be smart and do what was expected of me.

And so I did. I went to university to study arts and literature. This wasn't the major that was hoped for, but my parents settled because "I was at least going to uni".

A couple of months in I knew that university wasn't for me. But instead of quitting I changed my major after the first year. Maybe hoping that communications and media would be more suitable for me.

And that it was. But it still didn't feel completely right.

Fast forward the year and here we are now. A couple of resits, more than I hoped for, but manageable and pretty alright considering it's not what I want to do.

But what do I want to do then, you may ask. Well frankly, I have no clue anymore.

I feel like I lost sight of what I want in doing the things that were expected of me, I never got to explore more of the things that I liked.

I feel like I've become too scared to go after the things that (might) make me happy.

And that sucks.

Because I feel trapped.

And useless.

And it doesn't really help that my mom called me a disappointment and an embarrassment either.

Because after two years of doing something that makes you unhappy you just want people to support you. You need people to support you. Or at least those close to you.

Don't get me wrong, I am extremely, hugely grateful that I got the opportunity to go to university, because I know a lot of people don't get that chance, but if I know it's not for me, is it so wrong to want something different? Does that make me ungrateful?

Right now, I don't know what to do.

I could stay in uni, get a degree and possibly get a job with that.

Or I could leave uni, get a job and make money whilst I figure out what it is that I really want to do with my life.

The first one seems like the easy option, the latter seems so scary.

Every time I read a quote on how we only get this one life and it's too short not to go after what we want I get inspired. But oh, if only I just knew!

All I want is to be happy and healthy. Simples.

I don't want to come home to an empty flat, all stressed out by a job I don't even like.

And I do know that I'm oh so young and have got plenty of time to figure things out, I just don't want to be unhappy in the process.

"Feel inspired by your own existence."